mOssimOgirl

Why do I always get in so deep? I always give myself out all at once.. I care too much and love so much.. And all I ever want in return is that same back.. I just want to be happy always..

I’m at breaking point today - I think it’s caught up to me.. The tears I should’ve cried a couple of weeks ago are taking over me and I hate this feeling..

So I have just come back from the best holiday ever. Not only was it fun and relaxing but it opened my mind and my eyes about so many things. I met people, I saw family, I enjoyed my life for once without having to worry about anyone.

I met one person in particular who he will never know just how much he changed my life for the better. He made me see things I would just hide deep down inside me. He made me laugh with my true laugh with not caring how I sounded or looked. He made me feel like I was worth something. And for that I will be forever grateful to him for.

He made me realise that life shouldn’t be typed out as a list and having to go by it. To just live it and enjoy it day by day not worrying about what other people think and to just let go. He made me realise that I should stop putting others before me and make me happy first - and that in itself has made me feel 10x better already.

Amongst all this, as much as he pointed all these things out to me, they are all things I knew already but were drowning in me and let others get the better of me.

My family overseas have also brought out the better in me, and just their way of living has opened my eyes even more.

So starting since I landed back in Sydney, I have started a new life. One where I am always smiling.

As Duncan always used to say to me… “Don’t be good, be careful” - and that’s how I am going to start living my life :)

It’s not normal to have all these stresses. Honestly, if it’s not one thing it’s the other. All of last week all I could do was cry over work and now looks like this week I’ll be crying over the one I love. Why do I always pour my heart out to someone and give them my all only to have it all slapped back in my face. The one person you’d think would never do that and they do. I’m telling him what the problem is and all he can reply back with is “why are you yelling at me” like fuck. Turn it around so it looks like I’m the one attacking you. It hurts so much to know the one you love doesn’t care. He is being such a prick and at the same time I still love him the same. When all I want is a hug, when all i want is a kiss, and he wants to argue the point with me. I might be over exaggerating just a bit, but seriously, u can see I’m fucken upset, why wind me up even more and get me even more frustrated. He acts like he is this perfect guy that does nothing to upset anyone. Cos ignoring me isn’t gna upset your girlfriend. Nooo of course not. I just want to fall in a hole and never be found - then maybe someone in this world might give a fuck about me once they realise I’m gone.

So I’m going to start the dukan diet tomorrow. I’ve been letting my weight get to me a little when usually I don’t really care cos I don’t consider myself fat. But I want to look good for my best friend’s wedding and for when I go overseas. So I hope it works, even if I can lose a few kilos I’ll be happy :) I started exercising last week, I already feel good about myself but I need something to stick by cos I’m still eating crap.

Not long to go til I go overseas! cannot wait! :D

All of last week I felt very melancholy.. I think mainly because of work.. And then the usual not being able to see my bf through out the week takes its toll also.. Today is now Wednesday and I think it’s true when they say, you choose to be sad.. Even though deep in my thoughts I’m yuck about work I still need to be happy and stay positive.. It just sucks when you have that one person who can change your mood all in one split second.. So my motto for the next 44 days til I go on leave is not to let anything get to me – the moment I do my mood sets and I start questioning why I took this new role in the first place and should have stayed where I was, happy and content.. Comfortable.. But then that raises the thought of would I have liked to stay like that for the rest of my life til I retire – No. It will just take time, time is all we have.

My best friend’s wedding is very soon too – very excited about that, then I leave to go overseas.. I think if I didn’t have this to look forward to, I would have already crumbled. I just want to make the most out of life, not everything is about work, and the sooner I realise this and stick with this way of thinking, the better off I will be.

Lastly, as always.. I miss Ani.. I probably tell him too much, but I don’t care – It kills me through out the week, I just feel numb without him L he makes it all better even when we are fighting, I’m still happy cos I am in the same room as him. This week he is working on Saturday, so I’ll miss him even more.. Weekends just aren’t enough *sigh*

So I haven’t written an entry for a few months now. A lot has happened. I finished my Graphic Design Diploma, I started a new role at work.. I feel like I have grown a lot as a person. Things are really good with Ani & I at the moment, I’m so madly in love with him there are no words that can explain just what I feel towards him and it scares me cos I think he doesn’t know just how much I do.

It’s my birthday next week too, it’s come round so quick and at he same time I wish it wasn’t here.. Life is just flying past me, and I feel like its wasting away. There are so many things I want to do, but like I keep getting told at work, I have all the time in the world.

I’m so exhausted, I’m about to go have a shower after the longest day at work - my brain is just mush. I started the new role 3 weeks ago, its already been a bit of a roller coaster, but taking all things in positiveness and learning as I go.

Not long til my best friend gets married.. Not long til I get to go overseas and my cousin gets married!

As much as I’m exhausted and dreading work, I’m loving on life cos things couldn’t be any better :)